Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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