2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
