I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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