My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
