I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
did i walk over a car last night?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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