The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
