I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
