you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
