Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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