i permit you to call me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
