Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
