i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
