and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
