take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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