On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
