And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
