We're facebook friends in real life
dude i'm inner monologue high
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
