Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
