I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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