I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
