I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
