Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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