I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
