well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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