His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
