Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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