She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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