He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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