i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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