Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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