My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
