respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
