Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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