dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
