my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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