Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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