tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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