dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
