Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
