omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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