Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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