The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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