I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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