Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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