K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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