he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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