Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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