i was born a porn star she said
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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