so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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