it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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