Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
